Waffle Houses

Welcome to the WaHo life! I have no association with the Waffle House corporation except that I enjoy their bacon and I spend many hours in their faux wooden booths talking to my friends and generally avoiding the way too much responsibility that I've given myself.

What I'd like to start with today, though, is waffles. The way someone eats a waffle says a lot about them as a person. There are many important factors: location of waffle origin, material, accoutrements, syrup saturation, utensil usage, and completion. Let's look at each of these briefly:

Location of waffle origin: There is nothing wrong with making waffles in your house. In fact, if you like making frozen waffles, all this says about you is that you have a pulse and a freezer. You might have kids, you might be a student, or you might just be someone who gets up earlier enough to make waffles, but not earlier enough to make waffles from scratch and brush your teeth.

If you go to my school (S****** College), you make a waffle if and only if there is nothing else palatable in the cafeteria. This can lead to many dinners made up of waffles and a long line at the waffle iron.

If you go out to IHOP, your not eating waffles--that's a pancake. Get in your car and try again.

Once you've reached the Waffle House, you are at the appropriate waffle haven. These people know how to do it right and quickly. Go sit down (but please reserve the booths for two or more guests).

Material: You have wheat and normal waffle. Always choose the normal waffle. You are eating what amounts to sugar and butter laden bread--this is not a time to be concerned with your carbohydrate consumption. It is a time to consider the location of your next insulin shot.

Accoutrements: My advice is: don't. When they serve you your waffle, the beautiful staff at the Waffle House (and they are wonderful people, but more on that later) will bring you the only two things you need: butter and syrup. Don't put pecans, strawberries, whipped cream, loogies, soft shell crab, wood shavings, or chocolate chips/syrup on your waffle. These things don't need to touch it. Don't do it. If you have to have them, order them on the side and eat them as an appetizer. You have to leave yourself a discriminating pallate for your soggy mess. The only thing you are allowed is the single pat of butter that the Waffle House staff will bring you (by this point, I assume youhave given up your Eggo and converted George Foreman grill and gone to a place that can really help you out).

Syrup Saturation: Finally, your waffle has arrived! There are three approaches to syrup. The first group doesn't use it. They tend to be calorie-conscious sticks in the mud who think that all children riding bikes should wear helmets. Who needs them? If you see these people, you should steal their waffles.

The second group dabs syrup onto their waffles. That's okay. I mean, it's the little black dress of syrup consumption: you can't go wrong with it, especially if you're sharing.

The last group are the dousers. You, my friends and colleagues, have never grown out of putting syrup into every square of a waffle. You completely cover it and use the waffle as texture for the delicious nectar that syrup is. After the waffle is complete, you often use your fork as a leaky sieve to collect and consume all the excess syrup that has built up post-waffle.

Utensil Usage: Please use one. Sticky is the worst feeling in the world. I'd rather have one of my limbs cut off then touch the laminate menu and have it become fused to my skin through the magic of grossness. I prefer just a fork, but if you need to keep both of your hands occupied (talking to you now, Emily Post), then, by all means use the knife. It might still have some residual butter on it.

You know, on second thought, on the off-chance it does stilll have butter on it, use the knife.

Completion: Not everyone can make it through a whole waffle. I understand. But you should try. Eat along the lines so you can quantify the amount of food you are wasting in light of recent staggering world hunger statistics. If you got through less than half, you didn't really want a waffle; you wanted a pancake. You should have stayed at the IHOP.

More than a quarter, less than a half means that you might have eaten something else at the meal or you didn't like the taste or you had to take a very important phone call to Singapore. I don't understand you.

Less than a quarter but not finished: Pussy. Stick it out til the end. How much could one more bite hurt?

Finished: Waffle champion. You enjoyed it, it was wonderful, and you should seriously consider eating another one. After all, if one was good, three more are going to be fantastic!


In short, I love waffles. They make me sick because I eat them unhealthily, but that does not detract from their beauty or enjoyment. Waffles, like many things in life, can tell you a lot about a person.

What they say about me is: In times of joy, strife, Law & Order marathons, post-show, pre-coffee, waiting at the hospital, waiting for the world to change, during the elections, during the Olympics, during the Depression: There are waffles to be had and conversation to be made.

That you can count on.