A Friend's Wedding

I like the format of having a little taste of something at the top of my posts and then getting to the meat of telling a story.

Today's short bit: The Gay Agenda. For all of you heterosexuals out there, here's a look at the gay agenda for Monday, April 20th, 2009:

1 PM: Get out of bed
2 PM: Get dressed
3 PM: Find somewhere that will serve brunch if you bitch about it long enough

That's it. That's everything we've planned for today.

By the way, for those who are interested, I will appearing...well, I guess that's the right word...on Jamel and Eric's radio show this Friday at 3. Dr. Werner will also be there, so I'm sure we'll be talking about the gay at least a little. Tune in or watch in on channel 48 on campus.

And now, a story, courtesy of my friend Jackie:

This past weekend, Jackie attended her brother's wedding. This was an accomplishment in and of itself. Because, you see, Jackie's brother was making a mistake.

Prior to the wedding, Jackie's mother had found out that Angela, Trevor's (her brother) fiance got fired from her job for stealing. However, her kleptomania was overshadowed by the even more harrowing revelation that Angela was also popping pills. A lot of them. Of the painkiller variety. But, instead of going to rehab, Angela said no no no and instead, plans to marry Trevor proceeded. When confronted with why he wanted to continue with the wedding, Trevor said, "I can fix her." Trevor's a mechanic; I have no doubt that he could fix the click in my engine or restore my car, but I seriously doubt that this enables him to change a druggie. Especially when we're almost positive that he gave her pain pills last summer.

Oh, and Jackie's mom has cancer but hates to take pain meds. She's allergic to codeine so she has straight up morphine. She doesn't check her pills, and all of the pills in the house live in the same place: a lazy susan pharmacy in the kitchen. So, you could easily play the I'm-going-to-grab-an-antacid card and pocket a few of the higher powered bits.

Now, I love a down home wedding as much as the next guy, but this one, from what I here was extra-special. First off, junkie the clown has gained a lot of weight since her dress was designed. And by that, I mean they had to let the dress out. Twice. And come the wedding day, you could see her belly-button through the fabric. I don't have a common about that; sometimes, things happen. Like twins.

We only suspect she's pregnant, though. We have no proof.

So, anyway, Jackie was impressed into service as a bridesmaid. And what is an awful wedding without an awful bridesmaid's dress? The colors of the wedding were terracotta, cornflower blue, and sage green. So, this:

I mean, I guess it goes together in a somber, muted sort of way. It...totally...makes me think spring wedding. Top that with the fact that none of the dresses matched in cut, style, or fabric, I'm sure the wedding party looked like runaway refugees from 27 Dresses.

The other two bridesmaids were the bride's sisters. One of them, in the words of Jackie, has "an elevator that has never hit the top floor." She wore her Letterman jacket almost the entire wedding. The other sister...I can't remember, but the overall effect was that this was a classless lot.

The bride's father kept peeking into the bridal room to check on everything. Which is creepy, because everyone is changing in that room.

Now, I had offered to attend this wedding with Jackie and a mutual friend of ours so that when the minister asked if anyone objected, I could stand up, stop the wedding, and walk out. But, I didn't go. It wouldn't have mattered if I did, though, because the minister skipped that part of the ceremony.

I know that people only step weddings in the movies. But if you're so worried that someone is going to have an objection to the marriage as a minister, maybe you should refuse to perform the ceremony. Maybe there are major issues that need to be worked on before people make lifelong vows.

At the reception, because they are good Southern Baptists, there was no music and no dancing. Jackie was the only woman above 18 who was not married. Thus, she grabbed the bouquet (only after letting it drop to the floor when it was thrown and staring at it for a few seconds, though).

So, a classy wedding was had by all. And then I found out the classiest bit of all: the bride's family makes their living by making jelly. Like jelly. As in jam. In fact, so into the jelly business are they, that that was their wedding favor: jams in all varieties with the couple's engagement photo on the label. Don't worry; people could take any kind that they liked. The have a separate jelly kitchen in their home for the making of jelly. It's what they do.

And it's nice to know that, whatever turns my life may take, I won't be married in an awful color palette in a dress that is now too small for me, given away by parents who make jam for a living. I may do a lot of classless things, but I shine in comparison.